Setting goals and chasing dreams is the kind of stuff that my heart lives for! I thrive on big ideas, checklists, and positive affirmations. I'm the kinda girl who is typically known for being strong willed and determined; yet at times, overzealous and a tad bit high-strung haha But I'm always striving to find balance in every aspect of my life... some days I do better than others, but I find it easiest to counter balance those quirks in my personality by surrounding myself with people that make me laugh! :) I'm a girl who is passionate about the idea that we, as human beings, have the power and ability to envision and create whatever we have the courage to dream up. I believe that in order to create, it requires faith and consistency.... Consistency of thought, effort, and action.
So, with that being said.... let me tell you, with a little more detail, what lessons this past year has so graciously gifted me with---
Nearing the end of my mission trip, I began doing what I do best... making plans! The thoughts of all the things that could possibly unfold in the year or so following my return home was a little overwhelming, yet so exciting at the same time! Being just 20 years old, the whole world felt completely open to me... There seemed to be SO many exciting paths I could choose from, but I still wasn't quite sure on any specific direction. All I had were general ideas... I knew that after a year and a half of teaching about eternal families... My #1 desire was to come home, find the man of my dreams, and get married. I also had a desire to learn... but was still unsure exactly on what career path to pursue. All in all... I wanted to continue progressing, continue growing spiritually, and continue developing into the woman God dreamed for me to become.
Being home felt prettyyyy celestial! Life was sooo good! The peace that I felt and perspective that I had when viewing the future seemed crystal clear and my faith felt to be unwavering. Big things were happening! Heavenly Father was consistently confirming my plans and because of that, I knew, without a doubt, that God had been listening to my prayers. My time was mostly spent with family and in my room catching up on journaling. I was in my happy place in life... enveloped by feelings of hope and of love from those closest to me and from my Father in heaven.
2 months to the date, after getting home, (October 2017) I landed an amazing job. Everything seemed to be going according to plan... things were mostly on course for the kind of life that I had imagined! But I found myself really missing Idaho, the people, and the work I did there as a missionary. I brushed the feelings aside, but was surprised by how much my heart longed to be back in the west.......... Yet, I truly felt like I was exactly where I needed to be for the time being! Things were naturally falling into place and it felt like I had complete control over the direction in which things were heading. But then, God started throwing me curveballs.... And to say "I wasn't prepared" doesn't quite suffice.
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Haha now, looking back at all of it, you know what comes to mind? The lyrics to Thomas Rhett's song 'Life Changes' where he says, "You never know what's gonna happen. You make your plans and you hear God laughin".
God knew my heart, He knew what I wanted... But He had different plans for how to achieve them and I'd soon learn to see things His way. I quickly learned that it was easy to be patient and faithful when everything seemed to be going right, but when life suddenly took a hard turn from the course I thought I was supposed to be on.... I struggled. I began questioning thoughts and feelings that I had, had. Was I somehow miss reading what the Spirit had said to me? Anyway, somewhat unexpectedly, a couple months later, on Christmas day... I was in a relationship.
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Beginning in December of 2017 and also during the month of January 2018, life reallyyyy began to feel like it was unraveling. There I was, scrambling to save all the shattered pieces, but failing miserably to regain what control I thought that I had at the time. Plans for school ended up not going as I had planned them to. Everything I pursued seemed to fall flat, it was one road block after another! As I continued to get back into a routine, I struggled so much to find balance... I was doing my best to keep up the good habits I had gained from my mission, while also trying to meet the demands of life. AND fighting to avoid the millions of distractions that seemed to be fighting for my focus every day! As much as I tried to stay positive and keep a smile on my face I couldn't deny the way I was feeling on the inside; I was on-edge, overwhelmed, stressed, and emotional. And if you couldn't already tell... I was finding it very hard to cope. But as the saying goes... "When it rains, it pours." And so it did!
The challenges kept piling on.... the next set of challenges began attacking my body. Doctors visits became a common thing... Different issues started popping up but nobody seemed to be able to fix me! After losing 20 lbs over the course of a few weeks, and an overnight stay in the hospital, I was close to reaching the end of my rope... but sure enough... the Lord threw me more rope and told me to hang on. I felt so weak physically and spiritually. Soon after my last visit to the hospital, I was sent back for surgery and then afterwards sent home to recover.
I remember lying on my couch, tears rolling down my cheeks, as I tried to pray... saying something like, "Heavenly Father... Pleaseee help me understand why all of this is happening. For the last 18 months I gave all I had to serve you and to share your love with anyone who would listen and now here I am, hardly able to speak. Help me to see what you see so that I can be at peace with the pain that I feel." I knew that things couldn't be bad forever but the last 2 months had felt like an eternityyyyyyy!!
I couldn't help but feel like I was being punished for something... It would be a lie if I said that I never got angry at God... He seemed at times, quiet when I called out to Him for help.... Some moments I felt him near me and other times I didn't. My family and boyfriend, at the time, were a godsend during those months of trial, sickness, and frayed emotions. They helped me remember through their love and support that God still loved me, that I was still His daughter, and that even in times when I couldn't see or feel it... I was of worth... I knew I had to continue trusting and believing in good things to come! God had not forgotten me, and believe it or not... He also wasn't trying to kill me either! Haha! I believed that He would hold true to His promises to me, but I also knew that I had to do my part and trust His timing...
This blog post it already pretty long but I can't end it without first telling you the lessons that these particular trials this year taught me...
Surprise! Surprise! Life DID get better and when it did I could feel the purpose behind the struggle, understanding eventually came, and my pain, and sadness were replaced with testimony, light, and laughter! Things ended up not working out with the relationship that I was in... But, that's okay!! :) I was so grateful for the experience! I learned a ton about myself and the kind of person I want to spend forever with. The relationship and trials gave me a new perspective coming into the year 2018, which will forever be known as "My Year of Waiting".
The year began with these 3 simple New Years Resolutions which have changed me, so much, for the better:
- Take the time to take care of myself.
- Don't overthink and don't over-stress.
- Let life happen, go with the flow, and enjoy the journey.
I will also share a poem that I found during the mist of all my turmoil that brought an overwhelming amount of peace to my heart:
Wait by Russell Kelfer
Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried;
Quietly, patiently, lovingly, God replied.
I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate
And the master so gently said, "Wait."
"Child, you must wait."
"Wait? You say to wait?" My indignant reply.
"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"
"Is your hand shortened? Or have you not heard?
By faith I have asked, and I'm claiming your word.
My future and all to which I relate hangs in the balance,
And you tell me to wait?
I'm needing a 'Yes', a go-ahead sign,
Or even a 'No' to which I can resign.
And Lord, You promised that if we believe,
We need but to ask, and we shall receive.
And Lord I've been asking, and this is my cry:
I'm weary of asking! I need a reply."
Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate.
As my master replied once again, "You must wait."
So I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut,
And grumbled to God, "So, I'm waiting... for what?"
He seemed, then to kneel,
And His eyes met with mine,
And He tenderly said, "I could give you a sign.
I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.
I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.
All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.
You would have what you want-
But, you wouldn't know Me.
You'd not know the depth of My love for each saint;
You'd not know the power that I give to the faint.
You'd not learn to see through clouds of despair;
You'd not learn to trust just by knowing I'm there;
You'd not know the joy of resting in Me;
When darkness and silence were all you could see.
You'd never experience that fullness of love
As the peace of my Spirit descends like a dove;
You'd know that I give and I save, for a start,
But you'd not know the depth of the beat of My heart.
The glow of My comfort late into the night,
The faith that I give when you walk without sight.
The depth that's beyond getting just what you asked
Of an infinite God, who makes what you have last.
You'd never know, should your pain quickly flee.
What it means that, 'My grace is sufficient for thee.'
Yes, your dreams for your loved one overnight would come true,
But, oh, the loss, if I lost what I'm doing in you!
So, be silent, My Child, and in time you will see
That the greatest of gifts is to truly know Me.
And though oft' may My answers seem terribly late,
My most precious answer of all is still, "Wait." "
Ahh... I still get goose bumps every time I read that... There is SO much I could say about this year, but above all else, the main lesson God has taught me has been that some things you just can't plan for. And that no matter what "good ideas" you think that you might have... God's plans are always better!!! You can plan, and plan, and plan, and plan.... But in the end, what God says goes. I've come to have an increase in my own personal testimony in that even in the times when God allows you to feel like everything is crumbling around you or nothing seems to be working out...there is purpose in ALL things.
I'm still currently in my waiting period, but honestly.... I've learned to LOVE IT! This year has been a year of decompressing and a time for physical/spiritual rejuvenation and preparation... Learning to trust God's timetable and not my own, has been suchhh a blessing! Had it been up to me... I wouldn't have chosen things to have ended up the way they have... Yet now, here I am, and I'm so grateful I wasn't in control! Now that everything is said and done, I wouldn't change a single thing... This year has taught me so much about endurance, faithfulness, and patience. It's been a year of learning to slow down and really find myself! I have received so much inspiration for my life! One of them being the decision to move back out west in 2019 in order to pursue my passion in skincare and makeup!
The only true advice I have for anyone who may be going through anything, somewhat, similar to what I went through, is to NEVER GIVE UP. Keep reading your scriptures everyday, talk to God through prayer as much as possible, and show up to church... be all there... in heart, mind, and spirit. The best way to predict the future is to create it... and the only way to create the life that you could only dream of living, is to live the Gospel of Jesus Christ and let Christ lead you. He knows the way even when you can't see the path in front of you. As you keep holding on and looking to Christ you will make it through!
"[ I ] know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."
(Romans 8:28)